Web Series: Patrick Duffy & the Crab

There are a lot of great web series out there that frankly, you should know about. I'm going to help. I'm not going to write about Pot Psychology or Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis because they're awesomeness is so obvious, it's beyond words. Plus, I'm lazy and those don't really interest me to blog about. You should just go and watch those yourself.

Now, Previously on Point Dume is poised to become one of my top favorite web series (I'll get to writing about that once there are more episode) but it definitely has tough competition from Patrick Duffy & the Crab.

The show is pretty self-explanatory. It's just Patrick Duffy hanging out with a puppet crab.

They do everything real couples do.

Talk about American Idol:


Dare each other to eat dimes:


And even talk about threesomes:


It's so absurd and kind of awkward (my favorite combination). I think my favorite part is the lack of explanation or reason and the nonchalance that Patrick Duffy approaches his relationship with this crab.

Needless to say, I'm obsessed.

Spring Break: There Were Trees Involved

This bus ride is giving me an ample amount of free time which I have decided to fill with detailing my spring break in detail. The first part of my spring break adventures is right here in case you want a refresher. If not, do continue reading.

Alexandra is a "nature person". It's gross, I know. She likes biking and hiking and all that mess. She even repeatedly woke up early to excercise! I preferred to sleep in or watch ABC Family in my pjs. Sometimes I did humor her though and allowed her to take me on excursions into the outside world. Our last day, Alexandra decided to pack a picnic and take me on a hike. We got lost. I was not happy. She thought it was hysterical.

Lost in the Woods from Sadie Gennis on Vimeo.
Eventually we did find the field she was looking for and it turned out to be a very nice dinner. Took some pictures, rolled around, and messed with Alexandra.

Spring Break with Alexandra from Sadie Gennis on Vimeo.

While it was nice to be out of the cement plastered city, most of the time we were out and about I just didn't know what to do with nature. It was all alive but stationary and brown and green and stuff. What do you do with that?

Alexandra tried to make me less awkward by instructing me to "jump in the air!" but that just made it worse. Air-jump pics and I do not get along. They just expose my awkwardness and enhance it exponentially. Examples A, B, C, and the most recent addition, D:

And keeping with the theme of forcing me to do things I don't like, Alexandra even took me on a night-nic to some railroad tracks off a highway by some water. This would have been fine and all if her mom hadn't just told us a story of a midget serial killer who walked along the rails murdering everyone he encountered. I got too scared after about five seconds and made us move to a rock closer to the road.

So while nature really isn't my thing, I did have a really great time and will miss the trees, grass, stars, etc once I'm back in the city. I was planning on trying to explore the little nature escapes the city does have by going to a bunch of parks and the waterfront this week, but the weather is supposed to be pretty foul. Oh well! I'm a week behind on TV anyways. Now I won't have that pesty fresh air to distract me from The Good Wife.

Spring Break: The Basics

It's hard for me to realize that I have to get back to real life tomorrow. I've been on spring break for the past week living in the magical dream world of Hanover with Alexandra. The worst part is I cant just ease back into the realm of school and responsibilities. We have a huge mid-term exam tomorrow, one which I'm not even close to done studying for. That's what I get to look forward to the second I deboard the bus I'm currently on (which is unfortunately not the marvelous Dartmouth Coach that we took last week which had free snacks, drinks, and wifi).

The past week was great though. I spent a little over a straight week with Xandra and we didn't bicker or kill each other. Though, just a few minutes ago was the closest we got to when I realized Alexandra had deleted a precious pic from my camera. If you know me, then you should know you do not fuck with my camera. If you ask me to not put a picture up, I won't. But I won't delete it. The problem was quickly solved through by a little game of Jinj-a-leen, a game the wonderful Renzo's taught me. Basically, you pretend your hand is a phone and you go "Jinj-a-leen! Jing-a-leen!" until the other person answers the "phone." You then proceed to suggest something bad or confrong them on something bad they did. The perp then responds with all the reasons that it was a bad idea. It's kind of an ingenious game. I'm a little bit obsessed.

Other than these rousing moments of Jinj-a-leen, Alexandra and I did many other excited things in New Hampshire. Well, maybe not exciting according to traditional standards. We were sober the whole time (excusing half of a way too old Miller, alcohol did not even touch my lips). From Friday until Tuesday our days mainly consisted of hanging out with Alexandra's parents and lounging around. Even once with her parents had left for Arizona we still spent a large majority of our time hanging our with other people's parents (Hanover is this weird family-oriented zone. It's kind of strange). While visiting Xandra's ex-boyfriend's parents I was even shown my first sugar house. I assume you, like I only a few days ago, have no fucking clue what a sugar house is. It's where you make maple syrup and is actually pretty sweet (no pun intended). There were some batshit crazy kids there and I sucked syrup straight from a tube stuck in a tree before downing a glass of the finished product. Fun syrup fact: It takes 40 gallons just to make one gallon of the ready to pour syrup.

And yes, it was that kind of spring break: the kind where I enlighten you with fun facts about syrup.

Even though St. Patrick's Day landed over our vacation we didn't go out partying or do anything remotely wild. We went to CVS with a five dollar limit to find the stupidest things before going back to her crib and working our way through an entire QuizFest magazine. The results actually kind of scared us with their accuracy. Unfortunately tough, we never did make it to playing the greatest game ever invented.

Alexandra and I also spent a huge portion of our time on vacation wearing various pairs of glasses. Don't ask, there really was no reason.

It is also currently one of my favorite seasons. No, not spring. It's prom season!

And one way that you can tell when you've found a good friend is when they, with no warning, come out of a room wrapped in scarves wrapped in scarves and draped in Native American necklaces and you don't ask for an explanation. You just poof up your hair, glitterize your face, and slap on some temp tattoos.

One of the funniest parts of the trip was comparing Alexandra and I's eating habits. If I may quote the girl, "I only need three things in my life: sex, the sun, and homemade potato salad." And boy, did that girl eat potato salad.

I preferred the brownies and coconut cake with raspberry sauce (not as much as Xandra's mom though. She freaked out when her husband sneakily hid the cake from her one night. In his defense though, we had already had dessert at a family friend's house just fifteen minutes before).

So pretty much, I spent an entire week in Star's Hollow and loved it. I know you're jealous.

Childish Gambino: Geek Your Whole Face Out

Man, I'm just all about funny rappers lately. First Mark Turns, now Childish Gambino. Luckily, Don Glover actually knows he's hilarious and uses it.

And if you're sitting there thinking "Don Glover...why do I know that name?" it's probably because you know him from the NBC show Community or more likely, you know him as my #1 boyfriend.

We met last fall at one of his comedy shows in Greenpoint. So far, that's as far as our relationship has gone. But my powers of Creep and own personal awesomeness will one day get me a date, if not at least a Neil Patrick Harris point pic.

Aren't we such a gorgeous couple?

As part of my full-on love-stalk, I figured I should probably check out his music. I downloaded all of his shit a couple days ago and I'm kind of obsessed now. It's the perfect walking around NYC music, as well as a great bus ride soundtrack (a feature which I'm taking advantage of I type--Go Hanover, NH!)

He raps over some really great songs (Yeasayer's "Sunrise" anyone?) and has all the hilarious-stupid lyrics that I love: "Yes, my dick will make that hoe tell, like a bellboy" and my favorite, "Even if she's so angel that she's on Bones."

Plus, there's just that hint of gay that I love in a boy.

I mean, look at that sass! We're meant to be. 

Sometimes when he's rapping it kind of sounds like he has a monster head cold, but I kind of love it. It just emphasizes his geekiness, which I find absolutely adorable. I want to bring him orange juice and lozenges then curl up with TV. It'd be a perfect day.

I'm such a creep. If I ever did meet him again he'd probably get the major heebs and look at me just like this:

"Oh, you're that girl who tweeted that the last time we met was

the story of how you're going to tell your children 

that you met their dad...Hi, again...."

Until then, I'll just have to satisfy myself with his music. He has a couple dozen songs, so I'll just leave you with my picks:

Bitch Look At Me Now (Two Weeks)

 

Grind

Turd in the Over (Diplomat's Son)

I Can Hear Your Feet (Sunrise)

New Prince (Crown on the Ground)

I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer)

Hollerin feat. Dean

Extraordinary

Sunshine feat. Dean

Hawk Jones feat. Dree Drei

New York Pity

My Girls (My Girls)

It's Oh So Kawaii-ite

Did you get that pun in the title? The mix of the Japanese word for cute with the Bjork song "It's Oh So Quiet"? GET IT?!? Well, actually you can't really get it until you read on and learn what this post is about, so please continue...

I have been looking extra asian recently. It started around my birthday and I just figured this was God's present to me for the start of this new decade. But now I realize that the All-Mighty's plan was far more complex than just that. He stepped his game up to a whole other level yesterday.

You see, had you been following my tweets from last night you may have noticed this one:

Yes, you read that right. Asian girl red. I was just trying to retint my hair a similar auburn shade to the one I did in January, but oh no! That is not at all what happened.

If you don't know what AGR is, then you must be blind or have never met a hip asian in your life. Though it was surprisingly hard to find pictures of it on the interweb. I did try my best though.

And now, compare those to me. In fact, why don't we do a nice side-by-side.

Yuuup. That happened.

The best/worst part about this whole accidental AGR situation is the roots. Oh, good lord, the roots!

You see on my roots, my hair is not Asian girl red--it's just red! You can't tell that bad unless it's under direct light and it doesn't even show up that well in pictures, but let's take a look now, shall we?

Yeaaaahh......that's cool, I guess.

I actually really find this whole situation kind of hysterical. Today at school people were complimenting the new 'do and I was just like "THANKS! It was a totaly accident-disaster. Glad to know I can work it though!" So I'm just going to keep it and let it fade out, allowing my hair dyeing days to disappear into the past.

So that's what's going on with my hair lately. Oh, and speaking of, there was also some fabulous wig action for my birthday a few weeks ago. It was oddly the second year in a row that I donned a blonde wig for my bday too.

I'm very strange sometimes.

 2010                                                                      2009

Things like that is why I really believe I would have been a much better gay man than I am a straight women. I mean, hell! I'm already attracted to gay face so hard and live for the three G's: Glitter, Gay face, Gossip (I really wish there was a "G" word for pizza because that sooo would have been the third).

I feel like I got really off topic here. So let's just recap. In the past three months my hair has gone through the following transition:

And you got a few hints at how absurdly flamboyant I am. Great. 

Hopefully I'll have time for a real blog post in the upcoming week because I won't be bogged down with that waste of time called "classes."

SPRING BREAK 09 BABY! HANOVER HERE I COME!

(And remember kids, Forever Slutty, Forever 09)

Mark Turns: Truly & Always a Joy

Meet Mark Turns. Back home in Urbana, Turns is somewhat of a celebrity. He is a poet and an artist. And totally ridiculous. You put on some MT at a party and that shit gets bumpin! Or at least, my friends and I jam out and everyone else looks around in confusion.

There’s no point in reviewing just one Mark Turns album. In fact, it’s almost irrelevant to single out any one song of his. That’s because there is not one song on any of his dozens of albums that is not based off the same beat and cadence as all the rest. Normally, this would cause Mark Turns’ collected work to become boring and repetitive. But on the contrary, listening to Turns’ songs is one of the most engaging and stimulating musical experiences I’ve had since I tried to learn the lyrics of the rap in LFO's "West Side Story" by ear.

Turns is able to stave off redundancy by having the most absolutely asinine lyrics I have ever heard (and my summer jam was “Patron Tequila” by the Paradiso Girls). The lyrics are so absurd that listening to a Mark Turns song is a constant surprise. Every line is like Christmas morning. Or better yet, every line is like waking up Christmas morning and seeing a high-speed car chase on TV as Andy Dick tries to outrun the NYPD in an old Pinto on half a tank of gas. You know it’s not going to end well, but you’re on the edge of your seat in disbelief to know what happens next. Or in Turns’ case, hear what happens next.

There’s a level of stupidity that’s acceptable in society (think T-Pain or Nelly). Then there’s the level that is almost too painful to hear (LMFAO anyone?). But then--then there’s the level that has sunk so low on the stupidity charts it is has somehow managed to find itself now at the top, surrounded by its friends and comrades “Just A Friend” and pretty much anything Lil Wayne has ever put out. Mark Turns is the Weekend at Bernie’s of music: so stupid and unbelievable that one can’t help but love it. The only difference between the two is that Bernie’s had no illusions as to what it was. Mark Turns, on the other hand, takes himself very seriously as a poet and artist. It's fantastic!

My Bffer Katie recently had the opportunity to interview Mr. Turns' (I'll be linking to the video as soon as it's up). The thing I was most thrilled/shocked to learn was that Mark Turns is not the only person who thinks of Mark Turns is a genius. Apparently, he has someone else do his "beat(s)." (Seriously? It's one beat. Just over and over again. When it does change, it just sounds like premade songs on a fucking electric keyboard. How do two people out in the world think that's a good idea?). He also has someone else in charge of his website: www.lilgoat.com (Goat is not--as I had guessed--his middle name, unfortunately. It is in fact, his "power animal." Fact). Katie also spoke to someone else that helps to "promote" Turns, who started the conversation off with "The first time you heard Mark, didn't he just blow you away?"

What are these people on?!?! Mark Turns blew me away the same way Jersey Shore did. I guess I need to try and explain to you his utter ridiculousness for a second so you can understand my awe.

Let's take, for example, Turns’ other, none musical, productions. He has three audio tributes to the film Bullitt, along with seventeen poetry tributes. He's also done similar things for Starsky and Hutch and Vanishing Point. It can be hard to read too many of these tributes at a time (especially as I’ve never seen any of those films), but taken in small doses all prove to be ample ways to waste time and get a laugh. On the incredible lilgoat.com, he has many additional other topics under which he posts his poetry and musings from the past couple decades. Some of these include the Religion Corner:

“Wisdom, use anything you want to be gentle or mild/softener.. the rinse-cycle has told and will tell/the truth that you must accept and deal with trial,/one way or the other to be the rules..."

No Oppression/Gossip:

“Go sit down in rainbows wonder when inside, you use the fact of being the same race as an undercover reason to try and make it work”

And of course Love, Blues, etc:

“Don't get me wrong! I think that you are a drop-dead, beautiful woman with a loving-heart that doesn't come any better.../I can feel your warmth but/before you're any of that,/you're a human-being first”

Then, there's also this. His "Expression of Monday."
Turns has also put out multiple children’s albums and I see these are his redeeming pieces. It is here that his simplicity thrives the most. The monotone Turns cadence allows for any child to easily sing along to one of Turns’ family friendly songs without having to deal with any of that tricky “melody” stuff. Talk along with Turns (as what he does cannot really be classified as either singing or rapping) as he asks the important questions like “Where are my colors?” and takes kids on a wonderful animal adventure in “Zoo Time.”

The best part about all these is that Mark Turns has each and every single poem and song copyrighted, a hobby which dates back all the way to 1981. With almost thirty albums it makes sense that Mark Turns would look into protecting his life work. Sadly, I doubt there are many people interested in infringing on those copyright laws.

Overall, while Mark Turns might not produce Grammy Award winning music (let’s just face it, he doesn’t even deserve a Razzie), his website is one of the most entertaining sites I have ever encountered. Plus, most of his music is on iTunes, making it easy to sample all of the greatest Turns tracks (you do judge a song by its title. Don’t forget).

I’ll leave you with my suggestions of the Essential Mark Turns Songs which you must check out before 2012 when the world ends.
-Zoo Time
-Night-Time Is For Sleep
-Where Are My Colors
-Lovin A Woman
-Truly & Always a Lady
-It's Your Lady
-The Woman That I Want You To Be
-I'm Always Thinking of You
-It's About You
-Sweet Lovin' Lady
-Loving You Deeply and Being Satisfied, Pt. 2 (don't forget-woman AND human being).
-Having You Here
-Have the Thoughts But Go Slow
-It Doesn't Matter What The Clock Says

I really can't even do this anymore. They're all gold. It's too hard to choose. Though, I can't remember the names of my two favorite songs. It's kind of killing me. I hope you enjoy Mark "Goat" Turns as much as I do.