Dec 7, 2009

Crawling In My Skin

Note: What if we all started Linkin Park Lyric Monday? Where we tried to incorporate at least one LP lyric into everyday life. Sound good? Sounds good. And now for the post:

So there I was: all cozy in bed, about to pass out (Yes, it was before midnight and no, I am not lame), when I see it---a cockroach.

That's right! There was a bug. In my room. Many of you know my rules on animals: "If it has more than four legs or less than two, I'd like to bid that monstrosity adieu."

I just made up that poem, but the rule still stands. I do not under any circumstances mess with bugs or snakes (Animals that swim are exempt from that rule. They have a whole other set of logic, mainly based on eyes). Señor Cockroach was across the floor, circling my riding boots. I was petrified. I think I even went into shock for a moment, but then my brain kicked in again."You wanna take a ride, Roachie? Oh, you'll take a ride...straight to Hell!"

I had finally pulled myself together. My mind was working again and I knew I could finally do what needed to be done: Scream for Kelly.

I know I screamed pretty damn loud too. There are a lot of times when I see something stupid online or my own thoughts make me laugh so hard I feel like I need to share them with someone just so my personal hilarity can fulfill its awesomeness potential, and so I yell out for Kellz. "Kelly!!!....Keelllyyyyyy!!!!" I'll even go Kanye Caps on it: "KEELLLYYYYY!!!" All that, and nothing. No response. Nada. This time though, Kelly came a 'runnin. So either she's figured out a way to decifer my distraction yells from my yells of terror or I yelled louder than I thought. Either way, Kelly walked in armed with a paper towel and squashed the little freak while I hovered in the corner of my bed, clutching Claude, and whimpering--actually whimpering.

I don't know why bugs freak me out so bad. Maybe it was all those years reading Animorphs with all those Yeerks slithering into people's ears and taking over their brain. Bugs are that small. They could do that. I'll probably never know why bugs are the absolute grossest and scariest things ever, but there are a few things I do know: Now I'm wide awake and feel like I'll never sleep again, I'm going to have nightmares a la The Mummy tonight, I have the greatest roommate ever, and I'm never EVER letting Claude leave my side again. Not at least while they're out there hatching their evil plans. Claude's the only barrier between me and the evil bug army that live in my riding boots (I know that's why he was checking them out earlier. They want to make it their not-so-secret lair. I won't try to fight it. I know I don't stand a chance against them. You may have my riding boots, but you shall never have my flats!!!! That's because my flats are on my chair right now Suck that, Roaches! Wait--cockroaches can't climb, right? Oh please Lord tell me cockroaches can't climb!)

Apparently, the Yeerks are real. Just another thing for me to be irrationally afraid of.


  1. I will never forget this moment:

    It was my first year of college and I was on my bed writing a paper. The room (the building) (the school) (okay, the whole damn city) was infested with spiders the size of quarters. Big fat brown furry looking dudes. Miniature tarantulas. And while I wrote my paper, one fell off the ceiling and down the back of my shirt. I screamed louder than I have ever screamed and, lord willing, will ever have to scream. And Alex Maclennan came running in from the next room while I LITERALLY SOBBED after having shaken the giant spider from my shirt and coaxed in into a textbook. She claimed she could not bare to kill a living thing, and insisted someone else slammed the book on the spider. Someone did kill the spider but I forget who because I think I blacked out from fucking FEAR. It was the worst moment of fucking EVER, but it was great to know Alex had my back.

  2. Emi and Sadie had roomates that had their backs. Here's my roommate and roaches story: Summer after my junior year I move into Joanne, Karen and Virginia's apartment after Virginia graduated. Joanne and Karen had already gone home to their summer jobs. The first night I went into the kitchen and turned on a light and the kitchen was covered in roaches. That was the only night (or day) I spent there that summer. Apparently the landlord had a pest control company and my once and future roomies (we lived together sophmore year, too) were the only people that didn't have their apartment sprayed. So I had every frickin' roach in the neighborhood in my kitchen. My roomies had split, and so did I. I moved in with my boyfriend, David.