May 5, 2009

No Offense Sarah

So I was catching up on my friends and noticed some guy had been commenting. I'm not sure if he's her friend, or family, or "short term lover" (more on that in a moment), but of course I staked him out. It was...interesting. Here are my favorite parts:

"I go to and type in my mood and location. It's amazing what comes up. Sadly, it seems that women blog more in Chicago than guys do, so if I type chicago horny or logan square hungry into the blog search, it'll be 70% gals to 30% guys. Guys need to write more, and about more than sports." [emphasis his]
Is it really even necessary to explain? For one, if you're in a hungry mood why do you want to read blogs about being hungry or food? Just eat. This isn't the matrix and you aren't chiprunner. Eat food. And then why do you want to read blogs about horny dudes? Do you know how I scat this guy based on this sentence? Gay.

"I let her know something important: a woman can only be a princess once. Once she loses that luster, it's gone. My mind can convert a princess to a frogette in 3 seconds. Not over a vulgar mouth (princesses swear), not over her clothes or her makeup, and surely not over something like sex or promiscuity. Princesses lose their shine when they act like bitches."
I just love the fact that he said "Princesses lose their shine" and also that a lot of his writing reminds me of my good friend Justin. Part of me is just pretending this blog is his.

"When there is only one store within 100 miles of your house, you're trapped with their prices and quality. When there are 10 stores, you can squeeze the fruit, compare prices, and make a choice as to where to buy from."
He's talking about sleeping around. Isn't he such "a natural gentlemen"?

I also don't even want to think about the multiple uses of the term "short term lover" or the reference to "passionate lovemaking." I remember one time when I guy told me he "wanted to make love to me." We were drunk and I ran laughing into the bathroom where my friends were smoking cigarettes to tell them the story. Next thing I remember was waking up the next morning awkwardly beside him and still a virgin (thank god).

His next post starts off with a great description of himself which includes a very nice namedrop of French Connection (he might as well have said American Eagle or Pac Sun, namedropping jeans is bad enough). He then continues on with this:
"My hair is crazy long at the moment, down to my chin, and it had a great unkempt look to it. When I picked up a carton of cigarettes at the local gas station, my usual late-night gal said "Your hair looks like Johnny Depp's." I'll take a compliment, even from a 40-something gas station worker. I smiled and it never left my face all night."
I feel like I'm reading young adult fiction, the JPP story. But only if Johnny Depp had been replaced with Wolverine or Nicholas Cage.

He then meets a girl at a bar who tells him she has too much college debt. He blogs how, "I offer my condolensces, and let her know it's a common problem."
Really dude? Because I don't think she knew that before and I'm so impressed that you knew that and are sharing this information on the interweb. I'm sorry. It's been a long day and I'm cranky. Just one more and then I'll stop being a bitch.

He goes on to reference her "Target fashionable" outfit (a bit redundant I believe. Target implies the utmost fashion chic) and how he helps an "older black gentleman" outside White Castle while this girl watches--but he didn't know she could see. He was just being kind. And had to blog about it and how impressed she was with his kindness. They end up not doing the deed and the post ends with this:
"She's sexy, has a great face that is almost worthy of receiving my special gift after a night of hard and soft fucking (almost worthy), and she's definitely passionate and attentive.

We'll see. Today I'm off to pick up a DVD or two for the evening, and a nice bottle of wine to share with just myself."

What is this "special gift?" Because it really just sounds like bukake to me and for some reason I'd respect that a lot more than just normal ejaculation.

His labels also put mine to shame. Blog labels really tell something about the writer and what are recurring topics for them. Here are the ones for the last post:
great kisser, imperfect smile, invitation to fuck, kissing like teenagers, soft hands
That really just sums up the whole blog pretty well. Loves it. Now I need to get my cranky ass in bed. I have my last day at TONY tomorrow so I need to be wide awake before I go there so that when I fall asleep googling shit like "Liev Schreiber fansites" and "Wilmer Valderama" I won't completely pass out on my desk.


  1. Holy shit. I havent' even read those comments. I will now though. HOW DO THESE PEOPLE FIND ME??!!

    Eeeeek this guy better not jack off to my blog.

  2. I don't jack off to blogs.

    It's relatively simple enough to delete comments that people (like myself) leave.

    Sorry my blog isn't of interest; that's OK, that's what not visiting is for.

    Thanks for the write up, wish you at least provided a link!

  3. FWIW I also gave you a response on my blog, hope it's OK: