Movin' Like Bernie

It's officially Halloween weekend. That means slutty costumes, excessive drinking, and goddamn dancing. But if you feel lost in the sea of Snookis and skanky renditions of comic book characters, I found the way you can help make yourself stand out from the crowd. When the music is pumpin', instead of grinding and booty shaking like everybody else, just bust out this sweet new dance (and yes, it is based off of me and Rachel Green's all-time favorite movie Weekend at Bernie's).

If you're in the NYC area this weekend I'm sure you'll see me and Thompson breakin' it down Bernie Lomax style. We're super sexy like that.

The Greatest Gift

I'm back!

After a two-plus month hiatus your favorite blogger has returned. But since it's 11 in the morning right now and I have to go to class today I don't have time to wow you all with my amazing wit and talent. But, I have something even better.

You're probably thinking, "Better than you? How can that be possible?"

Well, the answer is simple: Mark Fucking Turns.

In my last post about the great MT, I said that my Kater got the opportunity to interview Mark and I would post the video as soon as I could. Well, that day is finally here. So watch, wonder, and you're welcome.


Mark Turns from ktmccall on Vimeo.

Grrrowl Power

Anyone who know me knows I love The Cheetah Girls (especially my baby Raven. Suuup gurrrrl!). Junior year of high school my buddies and I even dressed up as them for spirit week.

Needless to say, we were a hit.

Each of us had a character. I was Raven/Galleria (obviously). Katie was Do. Zoe was Aqua. And my friend Justin was an honorary Chanel.

Needless to says that picture is a complete misrepresentation of how he felt about being included.

I love The Cheetah Girls a little too much. They took up a good amount of my life just a few years ago, but since the band broke up and my all-time favorite television show (That's So Raven) ended, I've really missed them. So let's see where these Cheetalicious chicks are now.

Do/Sabrina Bryan

 Sassy choreographer Dorinda hasn't really done anything outside of The Cheetah Girls. Maybe it's because she's the fucking pits.

Though, she was in a direct to DVD movie entitled Mostly Ghostly whose tagline was "Who Let the Ghosts Out?" Kind of awesome. Plus, it's based on an R.L. Stine novel AND Ali Lohan is it.

Based on these last pieces of evidence, maybe Do isn't the pits so much after all.

Then again, her and Aqua are apparently developing a talk show that is like The View for young people. That's like when Stephen Hawking said he was writing a children's book that was Harry Potter without the magic.

She also has a really awkward dance workout called Byou.

Chanel/Adrienne Bailon

My lady love Chuchi remained fairly constant in my life outside of Cheetah Girl fame until recently. This was due to her relationship with Rob Kardashian which was chronicled on the glorious Keeping Up With the Kardashians. 

Even though the two were sooo in love (they got tattoos of each other's names) they have now broken up, which means she's no longer on The Kardashians AND they both feel like idiots. 

Apparently she also had an album that came out, released naked photos of herself, and does MTV afternoon programming. No one cares. I don't either. I only care about her in cheetah print or macking on Rob. 

RIP Adriobert!

Aqua/Kiely Williams

Kiely will always be the quirky, tutu wearing, hot sauce loving Cheetah Girl to me. Maybe that's why she's trying so hard to change her image. In addition to doing really stupid movies where she plays characters named "Kandi Kane" or the sequel to Stomp the Yard (at least she could have done the Step Up series or maybe even something like You Got Served...Again!), Kiely has continued to make music, if you can call it that. I think her latest video is a pretty solid representation of what has happened to her since she forgot about Grrrowl Power. It's also a little disturbing.

And of course, saving the best for last.... 

Gabriella/Raven

Raven hasn't really done much (unfortunately) since her early departure from The Cheetah Girls. She did some movies I never saw, made some music I never listened too, etc. Though, she is set to star in an ABC Family movie called Revenge of the Bridesmaids

That's more like it!

She also has a YouTube channel called Raven Symone Presents where she shows you things like how to bling out your pens and pencils.

Though, nothing compares to the late and great That's So Raven. Proof below.

Childish Gambino: Geek Your Whole Face Out

Man, I'm just all about funny rappers lately. First Mark Turns, now Childish Gambino. Luckily, Don Glover actually knows he's hilarious and uses it.

And if you're sitting there thinking "Don Glover...why do I know that name?" it's probably because you know him from the NBC show Community or more likely, you know him as my #1 boyfriend.

We met last fall at one of his comedy shows in Greenpoint. So far, that's as far as our relationship has gone. But my powers of Creep and own personal awesomeness will one day get me a date, if not at least a Neil Patrick Harris point pic.

Aren't we such a gorgeous couple?

As part of my full-on love-stalk, I figured I should probably check out his music. I downloaded all of his shit a couple days ago and I'm kind of obsessed now. It's the perfect walking around NYC music, as well as a great bus ride soundtrack (a feature which I'm taking advantage of I type--Go Hanover, NH!)

He raps over some really great songs (Yeasayer's "Sunrise" anyone?) and has all the hilarious-stupid lyrics that I love: "Yes, my dick will make that hoe tell, like a bellboy" and my favorite, "Even if she's so angel that she's on Bones."

Plus, there's just that hint of gay that I love in a boy.

I mean, look at that sass! We're meant to be. 

Sometimes when he's rapping it kind of sounds like he has a monster head cold, but I kind of love it. It just emphasizes his geekiness, which I find absolutely adorable. I want to bring him orange juice and lozenges then curl up with TV. It'd be a perfect day.

I'm such a creep. If I ever did meet him again he'd probably get the major heebs and look at me just like this:

"Oh, you're that girl who tweeted that the last time we met was

the story of how you're going to tell your children 

that you met their dad...Hi, again...."

Until then, I'll just have to satisfy myself with his music. He has a couple dozen songs, so I'll just leave you with my picks:

Bitch Look At Me Now (Two Weeks)

 

Grind

Turd in the Over (Diplomat's Son)

I Can Hear Your Feet (Sunrise)

New Prince (Crown on the Ground)

I Love Clothes (Deadbeat Summer)

Hollerin feat. Dean

Extraordinary

Sunshine feat. Dean

Hawk Jones feat. Dree Drei

New York Pity

My Girls (My Girls)

Mark Turns: Truly & Always a Joy

Meet Mark Turns. Back home in Urbana, Turns is somewhat of a celebrity. He is a poet and an artist. And totally ridiculous. You put on some MT at a party and that shit gets bumpin! Or at least, my friends and I jam out and everyone else looks around in confusion.

There’s no point in reviewing just one Mark Turns album. In fact, it’s almost irrelevant to single out any one song of his. That’s because there is not one song on any of his dozens of albums that is not based off the same beat and cadence as all the rest. Normally, this would cause Mark Turns’ collected work to become boring and repetitive. But on the contrary, listening to Turns’ songs is one of the most engaging and stimulating musical experiences I’ve had since I tried to learn the lyrics of the rap in LFO's "West Side Story" by ear.

Turns is able to stave off redundancy by having the most absolutely asinine lyrics I have ever heard (and my summer jam was “Patron Tequila” by the Paradiso Girls). The lyrics are so absurd that listening to a Mark Turns song is a constant surprise. Every line is like Christmas morning. Or better yet, every line is like waking up Christmas morning and seeing a high-speed car chase on TV as Andy Dick tries to outrun the NYPD in an old Pinto on half a tank of gas. You know it’s not going to end well, but you’re on the edge of your seat in disbelief to know what happens next. Or in Turns’ case, hear what happens next.

There’s a level of stupidity that’s acceptable in society (think T-Pain or Nelly). Then there’s the level that is almost too painful to hear (LMFAO anyone?). But then--then there’s the level that has sunk so low on the stupidity charts it is has somehow managed to find itself now at the top, surrounded by its friends and comrades “Just A Friend” and pretty much anything Lil Wayne has ever put out. Mark Turns is the Weekend at Bernie’s of music: so stupid and unbelievable that one can’t help but love it. The only difference between the two is that Bernie’s had no illusions as to what it was. Mark Turns, on the other hand, takes himself very seriously as a poet and artist. It's fantastic!

My Bffer Katie recently had the opportunity to interview Mr. Turns' (I'll be linking to the video as soon as it's up). The thing I was most thrilled/shocked to learn was that Mark Turns is not the only person who thinks of Mark Turns is a genius. Apparently, he has someone else do his "beat(s)." (Seriously? It's one beat. Just over and over again. When it does change, it just sounds like premade songs on a fucking electric keyboard. How do two people out in the world think that's a good idea?). He also has someone else in charge of his website: www.lilgoat.com (Goat is not--as I had guessed--his middle name, unfortunately. It is in fact, his "power animal." Fact). Katie also spoke to someone else that helps to "promote" Turns, who started the conversation off with "The first time you heard Mark, didn't he just blow you away?"

What are these people on?!?! Mark Turns blew me away the same way Jersey Shore did. I guess I need to try and explain to you his utter ridiculousness for a second so you can understand my awe.

Let's take, for example, Turns’ other, none musical, productions. He has three audio tributes to the film Bullitt, along with seventeen poetry tributes. He's also done similar things for Starsky and Hutch and Vanishing Point. It can be hard to read too many of these tributes at a time (especially as I’ve never seen any of those films), but taken in small doses all prove to be ample ways to waste time and get a laugh. On the incredible lilgoat.com, he has many additional other topics under which he posts his poetry and musings from the past couple decades. Some of these include the Religion Corner:

“Wisdom, use anything you want to be gentle or mild/softener.. the rinse-cycle has told and will tell/the truth that you must accept and deal with trial,/one way or the other to be the rules..."

No Oppression/Gossip:

“Go sit down in rainbows wonder when inside, you use the fact of being the same race as an undercover reason to try and make it work”

And of course Love, Blues, etc:

“Don't get me wrong! I think that you are a drop-dead, beautiful woman with a loving-heart that doesn't come any better.../I can feel your warmth but/before you're any of that,/you're a human-being first”

Then, there's also this. His "Expression of Monday."
Turns has also put out multiple children’s albums and I see these are his redeeming pieces. It is here that his simplicity thrives the most. The monotone Turns cadence allows for any child to easily sing along to one of Turns’ family friendly songs without having to deal with any of that tricky “melody” stuff. Talk along with Turns (as what he does cannot really be classified as either singing or rapping) as he asks the important questions like “Where are my colors?” and takes kids on a wonderful animal adventure in “Zoo Time.”

The best part about all these is that Mark Turns has each and every single poem and song copyrighted, a hobby which dates back all the way to 1981. With almost thirty albums it makes sense that Mark Turns would look into protecting his life work. Sadly, I doubt there are many people interested in infringing on those copyright laws.

Overall, while Mark Turns might not produce Grammy Award winning music (let’s just face it, he doesn’t even deserve a Razzie), his website is one of the most entertaining sites I have ever encountered. Plus, most of his music is on iTunes, making it easy to sample all of the greatest Turns tracks (you do judge a song by its title. Don’t forget).

I’ll leave you with my suggestions of the Essential Mark Turns Songs which you must check out before 2012 when the world ends.
-Zoo Time
-Night-Time Is For Sleep
-Where Are My Colors
-Lovin A Woman
-Truly & Always a Lady
-It's Your Lady
-The Woman That I Want You To Be
-I'm Always Thinking of You
-It's About You
-Sweet Lovin' Lady
-Loving You Deeply and Being Satisfied, Pt. 2 (don't forget-woman AND human being).
-Having You Here
-Have the Thoughts But Go Slow
-It Doesn't Matter What The Clock Says

I really can't even do this anymore. They're all gold. It's too hard to choose. Though, I can't remember the names of my two favorite songs. It's kind of killing me. I hope you enjoy Mark "Goat" Turns as much as I do.

Top of the Decade: The Music Edition

If you know me at all, than you know I looove to classify and categorize. People who aren't organized literally blow my mind. I see an messy desktop on a computer and it actually hurts me, like physically hurts me, not to set in place a good folder system. It just makes life so much easier! Plus, it's fun. For me at least. My point is, as the decade is coming to a close people like me can't help but come up with a list of the Top So-And-So of the Decade so instead of doing my paper like I should, I did this instead.

Top Solo Debut: Cry Me A River by Justin Timberlake

Runner-Up: Crazy in Love by Beyoncé

Top Song You Will Never Ever Get Sick Of: Suga Suga by Baby Bash

Top Party Staple: Ignition (Remix) by R. Kelly

Top Song to Get Slutty To: Me & You by Cassie

Top Retro Jam: Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera

Top Song About A Dance: 1,2 Step by Ciara

Top Moral Story Song: What Would You Do by City High

Top Song by a Minor: Aaron's Party (Come Get It) by Aaron Carter

Runner-Up: Too Little Too Late by JoJo

Top Collaboration: What's Luv? by Fat Joe, Ja Rule, & Ashanti

Runner-Up: Imma Flirt by R.Kelly, T-Pain, & T.I.

Top Song You Hate to Love: Low by Flo Rida

Top Song You Should Hate But Love So Much You Don't Even Care: Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus

Top Mash Up: Numb/Encore by Jay-Z and Linkin Park

Top Whiney Song: Hands Down by Dashboard Confessional

Runners-Up: It Ends Tonight by All-American Rejects and Konstantine by Something Corporate

Top Remake: Lady Marmalade by Christina Aguilera, Pink, Mya, & Lil Kim

Top Trashy Song: She Fucking Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd

Runner-Up: Lips of an Angel by Hinder

Top Day Specific Celebration Song: Birthday Sex by Jerimih

Runner-Up: Willenium by Will Smith

Top Song From A Movie: We Run This by Missy Elliot

Top One Hit Wonder: Fidelity by Regina Spektor

Top Dance Song: Disturbia by Rihanna

Runner-Up: Take You There by Sean Kingston

Top Foreign Language Song: La Tortura by Shakira & Alejandro Sanz

Runner-Up: Calabria 2007 by Enur feat. Natasja

Top Feel Good Jam: Never Let You Go by Third Eye Blind

Top Song No One Can Talk Shit About: The Seed 2.0 by The Roots

Top Sad Love Song: Crazy by KC & JoJo

Runner-Up: Burn by Usher

Top Sample: Stronger by Kanye West

Runners-Up: Beautiful Girls by Sean Kingston, Wild Wild West by Will Smith

Top Song Based on a Place: Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z & Alicia Keys

Top New Artist: Lady GaGa

Top Artist I Miss: Nelly

Top Music Video: Bad Romance by Lady GaGa

Runners-Up: Did It Again by Shakira, Paparazzi by Lady GaGa, Smell Yo Dick by Riskay

Let Me Remind You That I Am The King of R&B

There are some songs that are just so underappreciated I don't understand. Imma Flirt by R. Kelly featuring T.I. and T-Pain is one of them. Listen, Love, Learn.

This is NOT How We Do It On The Mainland

One of my friends is from Hawaii and today we somehow started talking about popular Hawaiian music. I really don't think there are any adjectives in the entire English language to describe the awesome/terribleness of what you're about to see/hear. Know only this: what you're about to witness was made in the last few years and is one of the top Hawaiin jams.

Can I Get A Countdown?

Sometimes when I'm really exhausted I listen to certain music to counter my mood and get my adrenaline pumping. Seeing as how tired lately I've been and how I assume this fad will continue for a while longer I thought it lucrative to make a playlist. I now present you with the highlights from "Get Pumped Up-Side Down" (that title may or may not be a reference to my senior year highschool yearbook).

Top 35 Songs to Get You Pumped:
Aaron's Party by Aaron Carter
Willenium by Will Smith
SOS by Rihanna
Don't Trust Me by 3Oh!3
Take You There by Sean Kingston
Piece of Me by Britney Spears
Don't Phunk With My Heart by The Black Eyed Peas
My Lips Like Sugar by Flo Rida
Love Foolsophy by Jamiroquai
Ain't No Other Man by Christina Aguilera
Walk Away by Kelly Clarkson
Disturbia by Rihanna
Krazy by Pitbull feat. Lil John
Good Girls Go Bad by Cobra Starship feat. Queen B
Part Time Lover by Stevie Wonder
Good Luck by Basement Jaxx
Let It Rock by Kevin Rudolf feat. Lil Wayne
Get It Shorty by Lloyd
Callin Out by Lyrics Born
Numb/Encore by Jay-Z and Linkin Park
We Run This by Missy Elliott
I Know You Want Me by Pitbull
Sir Duke by Stevie Wonder
Renegade by Styx
Church by T-Pain feat. Teddy Verseti
Get It Poppin by Fat Joe feat. Nelly
Move On Up by Curtis Mayfield
Footloose by Kenny Loggins
Hard to Handle by The Black Crowes
Makes Me Wonder by Maroon 5
A Little Less Conversation by Elvis Presley
Disease by Matchbox 20
She's Only 18 by Red Hot Chili Peppers
Do What You Want by OK Go
Toxic by Britney Spears

Mesmerizingly Bad

Finally

John Mayer is finally coming to his senses and moving away from that crap he calls music and going to his true calling: comedy.

For all you Mayernites out there just watch this and I dare you to tell me that "Your Body Is A Wonderland" is better than this. I dare you.

A Red Ribbon, Chocolate Cake, The Chokey, and Rusted Root?

So my friend Alexandra got a very late birthday present today which consisted of two cards and a cd of a band we'd never heard of. But some of the words used to describe them were "progressive" and "African" so they sounded pretty much right up her ally. Lo and behold, when we played the disc it had that song from Matilda! No, not Little Bitty Pretty One. It was the other one. That no one really knew what they were saying but it was sang along anyways.

The music video then shortly came to my attention and it is a work of genius. Pure genius. I think the poncho in the beginning sets the tone for the rest. I'm sorry I can't embed it, but check it out. Laugh, think of how much you wanted magical powers and this in the soundtrack to your life. I'm sorry