Who's the Most Do-Able Divorced, Dumped or Dumpee Celebrity?

Early December is prime time for dumping (Trust me, I know.) The pre-holiday dump is great for many because then you don't have to buy that pesky significant other a gift and you're free to find the perfect skank to ring in the new year with.

I mean, what says "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year" more than making out with someone you don't know in a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend's hallway?

A lot of celebrities decided to take advantage of dumping season, which sucks for them but is great for me! While I love all my celebrity boyfriends, it kind of takes the fun out of it if they're actually in love with someone else. That's why I read the year-end wrap ups of celebrity break ups as my own personal Who To Stalk List. So here goes Sadie's potential boyfriends for 2011!

The Most Do-Able Divorcée, Dumped & Dumpee Celebrities

Kellan Lutz and AnnaLynne McCord

Even though he dated Drunkface for so long (which is major points in the neg), Kellan is just too studly to be tainted by that slag. And he does say he wants to date a normal girl now. I'm normal! He can date me! Only problem with that is apparently "normal" to Kellan means athletic and into football and shit. No thank you! He can teach me about tweeting things that no one really cares about and I can teach him about being lazy and we'll just skip that exercise shit.

Ryan Phillipe and Abbie Cornish

So there's a good chance that Ryan is a cheating bastard. What actually happened between him and Abbie is all mixed up with contradicting stories and rumors. But at the end of the day, Ryan is too eff-ing hot and I still love him. I'm blind-sided by that sexy scruff of his. I can't help it.

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens

Vanessa's brunette. I'm brunette. I can curl my hair if that's what he's into. C'mon Zac! Just let me know what I have to do to make you and those abs mine! I don't care if you're gay! I really don't! Let me be your beard!

Dexter Morgan and Debra Morgan

So honestly, this couple always kind of creeped me out because I could never stop thinking of them as brother and sister. But at the same time I loved it. It's all very confusing. They were so cute in a weird, incestuous way. I am pretty stoked that Michael C. Hall is single again, though. He was in my original boyfriend list so this is a pretty exciting moment for me. I wonder if he ever wears that kill shirt in bed...

Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson

I am not a Scarlett Johansson fan. She's hot, but that's kind of it. Ryan Reynolds is hot and funny and smart and romantic. He needs someone who is more than just pretty because, frankly, after looking at ScarJo for a while she just bores me. Learn to shake it up a little, gurl! I think Ryan and I would be a much better match. I'm attractive enough and let's be honest — I'm awesome!. Plus, rumors have it that Scarlett wasn't even that nice to him. I'm the sweetest! So why don't you upgrade, Ryan? You won't regret it!

Colin Farrell and Alicija Bachleda-Curus

So Colin Farrell is definitely a fixer-upper. That facial hair and his penchant for fedoras would seriously need to go if we were to ever to be seen in public together, but he's still pretty sexy. It's that damn accent. Plus, now that he's a dad and shit hopefully he's douchebagey ways are a thing of the past. 

Gabriel Aubry and Halle Berry

Halle Berry is another one of those beautiful people that I just find absolutely dull and boring. Gabriel, on the other hand, is one of those beautiful people that I don't even care whether or not his personality is dumb or boring since he is so fucking fiiiiiiine. He's like Sawyer if instead of living on a mysterious death island he lived on an island off the coast of Grenyorny! He's the perfect balance of rich pretty boy and rugged sex appeal and he will be mine.

Stuart Townsend and Charlize Theron

Charlize Theron is the shit. Therefore, I assume anyone she would spend nine years of her life with is equally awesome. So congratulations, Stuart. I barely know you, but I would trust Charlize's tastes with my life. Arrested Development, being BFFs with Liv Tyler, her episode of Between Two Ferns...Girl knows what's up.

Mustache Baby!

If this isn't the greatest music video you've ever seen —besides "Toxic," obviously— then I will be shocked.

(And send me the link to whatever's better asap.)

Halloween How-To: Britney Spears in "Toxic"

I dream about Halloween (no joke) and a good portion of these dreams have been centered around one costume idea: Britney Spears as the "Toxic" flight attendant. And now, my dream has come true!

This was definitely the only costume I had this year that cost money or took any effort. But if you love Brit Brit as much as me, I totally recommend trying this for next year.

1. You will need about 2 1/2 yards of teal fabric (I went shiny to make it even more absurd), silver ribbon, stuffing, FMQ shoes, and of course: glittery false eyelashes.

Unfortunately, I actually left my  eyelash glue at home so I had to skip that last step. It truly broke my heart.

Luckily, I was able to drink my sorrows away quite successfully.

2. This is the most important step. You need to get yourself a fashion student friend who's willing to help. Janelle here is sort of like a costume goddess and I was insanely lucky to have her make my costume for me.

So that's it! It's pretty simple — unless you're Janelle, that is.

When "Toxic" came on at the party, I was too pumped. I mean, that song is my jam! It's been my ringtone since sophomore year of high school, but when I heard it in my costume I finally felt as though I could move on.

Just kidding! You guys get to keep listening to that until I have to become a real person!

But seriously, the best part of the costume: Janelle made it even sluttier than the original costume Britney wore. It was ass out, booty out and I loved every second!

Certain people were freaking out all night that my skirt was too short and I was going to show off the goodies, but they forgot two very important things.

1. I never leave the house without my booty shorts on.

2. It's Halloween!

I mean, just look at my friend Mik! She truly got into the Halloween spirit as a bootleg Black Canary.

There were a lot of great ghetto costumes at the party The Girls/Willie threw on Sunday that weren't slutty. So if you're not me or Mik, there are awesome, cheap and more modest Halloween costumes for people on a budget.

Nina here rocked a blanket and shower curtain and went as Bartok from Anastasia. How fucking hilarious is that?!?

Janelle and Willie went as Paper and Plastic. Janelle wore a fucking awesome giant smiley face bag and Willie went as a bag lunch. It was totally adorbs. But Janelle's other costume totally took the cake — or should I say ice cream cake....

Bitch went as frickin soft serve! How cute is that?!? I'm seriously obsessed with her costumes every year.

And now, this costume is by no means easy. But it gets an honorable mention for awesomeness:

Those dino sleeves on her arms? Skaidra made that shit out of bubble wrap!

Her and Janelle kind of own Halloween.

Just looking at these pictures again is getting me so pumped for next year!

Maybe I'll just dress up as Roofie for his birthday party/Neuterfest 09 on Thursday...

Halloween How-To: Taylor Momsen

I've never been that into Slutoween — with the exception of the Sailor Saturn costume my mom made me. But seriously. Who could resist the awesomeness of this outfit?

The best part is, you can't even tell how ridiculously short the shirt is or how insane the boots are.

But moving on. This year I'm really upping the ante in the slut factor. Last night, I went as everyone's favorite underaged whore: Taylor Momsen. 

The best part about my T-Mom get-up is I didn't have to spend a dime! Though, when you look at what that meant I already owned, you may be inclined to judge me a little. 

So here's how to be your very own Haiti-hating, chain smoking, vibrator obsessed teenager.

1. Girl cannot live without three things: flannel, leather, and an over-sized shirt without pants. These are things that every girl has in their closet. And if they don't, they clearly are not my friend.

2. Here's where the "slut" part comes in. Taylor love, love, loves to wear lingerie as daywear, so bust our those thigh highs and garter belts and be prepared to look like a gutter hooker on her day off!

3. Find the goddamn rattiest long blonde wig you can find. Luckily, I already had one lying from my Sadie Gaga birthday party. I've really learned in the past year that you will use a long blonde wig more than you would ever imagine when you bought it. So if you don't have one yet, I recommend picking one up asap.

4. Obviously, I had to rock those false eyelashes again. And a shit ton of black eyeshadow to go with it. Sadly, I did underestimate how much eyeshadow I would need to properly emulate Lady T in photos. It was my one epic failure.

And there you have it! If you follow those simple steps then you, too, could look like the hottest mess on the block this holiday season!

Movin' Like Bernie

It's officially Halloween weekend. That means slutty costumes, excessive drinking, and goddamn dancing. But if you feel lost in the sea of Snookis and skanky renditions of comic book characters, I found the way you can help make yourself stand out from the crowd. When the music is pumpin', instead of grinding and booty shaking like everybody else, just bust out this sweet new dance (and yes, it is based off of me and Rachel Green's all-time favorite movie Weekend at Bernie's).

If you're in the NYC area this weekend I'm sure you'll see me and Thompson breakin' it down Bernie Lomax style. We're super sexy like that.

Halloween How-To: Bootleg Bristow

I don't think it's any secret that I love Halloween, so when the opportunity came to dress up this year a week early I was thrilled. The problem was I am broke! And, the costume party was on a Saturday night. The same Saturday night as two other parties that were not themed. To avoid looking cray-cray and to maintain a reasonable sum in my bank account, I racked my brain for any easy/cheap solution. That's when I remembered the ultimate Halloween costume for the poor and lazy: Sydney Bristow!

If you also hate outfit repeating on Halloween but spent all your budget on your Slutty Chewbacca costume, here's how to be everyone's favorite double agent:

1. Wear all black. I'm sure not everyone has a pair of leather pants lying around (though Forever 21 would have otherwise), but shiny leggings or even regular ones will be good enough. Oh, and unless you want to look like an Amish beat poet, skip the turtleneck.

2. I'm addicted to false eyelashes, so this was a must for me (I might even wear these out on Thursday for fun). But you can skip this step if you don't have some lying around (aka if you're LAME!)

 3. Colored hair spray. Ughhh. This is the only part that sucks. Your hair will look and feel TERRIBLE and it will result in a 4:30am shower so you don't make your bed look like a murder zone while you sleep.

Cassidy as College, me as Sydney

And there you have it! Best part about this costume — so many people didn't even think I was dressed up. They just thought I was a slut with AWFUL hair and heavenly lashes. (Seriously. someone asked me if my eyelashes were real.)

So happy fucking pre-Halloween. Go carve some Jack-o-lanterns, drink seasonal ale, eat candy and get slutty 09!

The Greatest Gift

I'm back!

After a two-plus month hiatus your favorite blogger has returned. But since it's 11 in the morning right now and I have to go to class today I don't have time to wow you all with my amazing wit and talent. But, I have something even better.

You're probably thinking, "Better than you? How can that be possible?"

Well, the answer is simple: Mark Fucking Turns.

In my last post about the great MT, I said that my Kater got the opportunity to interview Mark and I would post the video as soon as I could. Well, that day is finally here. So watch, wonder, and you're welcome.


Mark Turns from ktmccall on Vimeo.