Last Week in NYC

I don't think anyone's prepared for what comes next.

No Offense Sarah

So I was catching up on my friends and noticed some guy had been commenting. I'm not sure if he's her friend, or family, or "short term lover" (more on that in a moment), but of course I staked him out. It was...interesting. Here are my favorite parts:

"I go to http://blogsearch.google.com and type in my mood and location. It's amazing what comes up. Sadly, it seems that women blog more in Chicago than guys do, so if I type chicago horny or logan square hungry into the blog search, it'll be 70% gals to 30% guys. Guys need to write more, and about more than sports." [emphasis his]
Is it really even necessary to explain? For one, if you're in a hungry mood why do you want to read blogs about being hungry or food? Just eat. This isn't the matrix and you aren't chiprunner. Eat food. And then why do you want to read blogs about horny dudes? Do you know how I scat this guy based on this sentence? Gay.

"I let her know something important: a woman can only be a princess once. Once she loses that luster, it's gone. My mind can convert a princess to a frogette in 3 seconds. Not over a vulgar mouth (princesses swear), not over her clothes or her makeup, and surely not over something like sex or promiscuity. Princesses lose their shine when they act like bitches."

I just love the fact that he said "Princesses lose their shine" and also that a lot of his writing reminds me of my good friend Justin. Part of me is just pretending this blog is his.

"When there is only one store within 100 miles of your house, you're trapped with their prices and quality. When there are 10 stores, you can squeeze the fruit, compare prices, and make a choice as to where to buy from."
He's talking about sleeping around. Isn't he such "a natural gentlemen"?

I also don't even want to think about the multiple uses of the term "short term lover" or the reference to "passionate lovemaking." I remember one time when I guy told me he "wanted to make love to me." We were drunk and I ran laughing into the bathroom where my friends were smoking cigarettes to tell them the story. Next thing I remember was waking up the next morning awkwardly beside him and still a virgin (thank god).

His next post starts off with a great description of himself which includes a very nice namedrop of French Connection (he might as well have said American Eagle or Pac Sun, namedropping jeans is bad enough). He then continues on with this:
"My hair is crazy long at the moment, down to my chin, and it had a great unkempt look to it. When I picked up a carton of cigarettes at the local gas station, my usual late-night gal said "Your hair looks like Johnny Depp's." I'll take a compliment, even from a 40-something gas station worker. I smiled and it never left my face all night."
I feel like I'm reading young adult fiction, the JPP story. But only if Johnny Depp had been replaced with Wolverine or Nicholas Cage.

He then meets a girl at a bar who tells him she has too much college debt. He blogs how, "I offer my condolensces, and let her know it's a common problem."
Really dude? Because I don't think she knew that before and I'm so impressed that you knew that and are sharing this information on the interweb. I'm sorry. It's been a long day and I'm cranky. Just one more and then I'll stop being a bitch.

He goes on to reference her "Target fashionable" outfit (a bit redundant I believe. Target implies the utmost fashion chic) and how he helps an "older black gentleman" outside White Castle while this girl watches--but he didn't know she could see. He was just being kind. And had to blog about it and how impressed she was with his kindness. They end up not doing the deed and the post ends with this:
"She's sexy, has a great face that is almost worthy of receiving my special gift after a night of hard and soft fucking (almost worthy), and she's definitely passionate and attentive.

We'll see. Today I'm off to pick up a DVD or two for the evening, and a nice bottle of wine to share with just myself."

What is this "special gift?" Because it really just sounds like bukake to me and for some reason I'd respect that a lot more than just normal ejaculation.

His labels also put mine to shame. Blog labels really tell something about the writer and what are recurring topics for them. Here are the ones for the last post:
great kisser, imperfect smile, invitation to fuck, kissing like teenagers, soft hands
That really just sums up the whole blog pretty well. Loves it. Now I need to get my cranky ass in bed. I have my last day at TONY tomorrow so I need to be wide awake before I go there so that when I fall asleep googling shit like "Liev Schreiber fansites" and "Wilmer Valderama" I won't completely pass out on my desk.

You Can Not Has Cheezburger

So I haven't written a real post in a long time and I'm still not going to today. Instead, I'm just going to post this:

I would totally go see this as a full length feature but I know it'd just end up like that time Sarah and I rented the "Kittens!" dvd. You think it'll be awesome, but it's just really boring after about seven minutes.

The Gig is Up

Yes, I watch American Idol. I'll admit it. But only because it's a thing I do with my boyfriend. We watch, we judge, we mock, we predict but most importantly, we don't vote. I don't care that much about Idol. It's just become this bonding thing we do together. I'm not a Claymate or a FANtasia or even a Glambert. But that does lead me into my next discussion.

Adam Lambert. Gay. Straight. Bi. Who cares? Well, a lot of people do which is why I think Adam is declining to comment. This guy Googles himself so much he bases his hairstyles of how fans prefer him. Boy is playing the game! Hence, the maybe not wanting to come out of the closet in the middle of a competition whose winner is almost entirely chosen by a bunch of middle-aged and tween Christian girls. He really has nothing to worry about. He's already won which kind of has taken all the fun out of watching (along with the fact I'm a billion miles away from my boyfriend and therefore are now watching without him, his soda to steal, his popcorn, or just anyone to listen to my wardrobe critques and snarky comments). My point is people are getting all up into a fuss about Adam mainly due to these photographs. After I first saw these I never really followed the dramz further until I came across this video:

First off: Sepia tone? This is 2009!!! I can make phone calls and play music through a windbreaker and you can even record a color video?
Before I was even given enough time to recover from the color scheme and horrible animations (kiss lips, really?) I was hit with maybe one of the stupidest things I have ever heard on the Internet. "Good looking people aren't gay."
I'm sorry, what? If that is how this girl bases sexuality she is in for a looooong life of singleness. It also just goes to support my theory that because of Adam Lambert. in eight years or so America will be overrun with faghags who fell so head-over-heels for the Glam Man that they went for guys like him the rest of their lives. Guys who meticulously styled their hair, wore makeup, tight fitting and fashionable clothing, overdramatic songs/showtumes, and--Oh yeah, make out with dudes. I know there are a lot of gay guys who aren't like that and there are a lot of straight guys who are, but stereotypes are often based on truths or result in them becoming true. I also don't get who this girl thinks is running the big Adam Lambert conspiracy but she seems very upset about it (fist slam!!!!). This girl goes on to tell the audience to "have an open mind" and that he can't be gay! He's Christian!!!! This girl needs to open her mind and smell the glitter!

I'm really sorry about this post. It's terrible. So forgive me, Sarah.

You Have Got to Anticipate Me!

So basically for the past week and a half I've mentioned Weekend at Bernie's Two fairly often, probably daily. I just couldn't possibly figure out the basis for a sequel and then once I looked it up it sounded to absurd to be true. Here's the wiki summary:
It is the sequel to the 1989 comedy Weekend at Bernie's and continues the misadventures of two young executives, Larry Wilson (Andrew McCarthy) and Richard Parker (Jonathan Silverman), and their deceased boss, Bernie Lomax (Terry Kiser). In the first film, Larry and Richard were forced to create the illusion that Bernie was still alive in order to avoid being killed themselves. In the sequel, Larry and Richard plot to use Bernie to find treasure he had buried at the Virgin Islands. Before stuffing the body into a suitcase and heading for fortune, however, Bernie is partially revived in a botched voodoo ceremony and made to walk toward the hidden treasure whenever he hears music.
I'm obsessed. It sounds like Earth Girls Are Easy quality almost. I just need to see it. But anyways, I've been talking about it none stop and I went to see Flight of the Conchords tonight (it was amazing by the way) and in the middle of "Jenny" Bret busted out into a Weekend at Bernie's Two discussion and I could not contain myself. It was like he read my mind. Maybe I should put out mind ads like this guy. Also, Bret was looking a little beat down but Jermaine was looking fiiiiiine. I've officially switched teams. Speaking of people who look suprisingly attractive:

Oh yeah, and go to the rescue. Or at least check out all the videos.
XOXO,
Gossip Gennis

Totally (Does Not) Look Like

So all day I've been seeing the Kourtney Kardashian Maxim pictures and I seriously do not understand how no one pointed out the absurd amount of photoshopping done to her. So much to the point where no matter how long I stare, after watching so many episodes of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, I just cannot recognize her. It looks like a completely different person.
Is it just me? Or am I being crazy that they did photoshop overload? And speaking of people who don't look like how they normally do...
Based on this picture alone, I would actually bang Freddie Prinze Jr. And now I want to watch Head Over Heels again.

Great.

Glamour-ughhh (Flossy, Flossy)

So I was just catching up on some blogs after class today and was reading an article on Jezebel about how Glamour did a "Best Suit for Your Body" kind of deal and actually showed different bodies. Yay, for them and all that. I do have to give them credit for showing off different bodies but I just cannot believe how terrible wrong their advice was for a girl in my situation. I fall under the category of "busty" and according to Glamour 1/2 of the best suits for me are essentially crap.
A bandeau top? Are you kidding me? And that blue onesie is none the better. They also have to be joking with that bottom left purple triangle top. I had to abandon triangle tops before I was abandoned body glitter! They even say in the Do's and Dont's to abandon the triangle. It just really irked me because us busty, skinny girls have a real issue finding fitting swimwear and it can be done! This spread is just the opposite of helpful. Just because a suit comes in "D" or "DD" does not actually mean it is meant to hold in twins that big. Last year though, I was able to find a swimsuit in my size (30G) that was a cute bikini and not a tankini. So for anyone else out there who has trouble getting cute, fitting, and not outrageously expensive swimsuits or bras check out Figleaves. It is my God (but hopefully only until June 1 when I say goodbye to Mary-Kate and Ashley and say hello to cheap Target swim suits!)